As we enter a new year—and a new decade at that—many of us (re)commit to “self-improvement projects”. For most of us New Year resolutions are motivated by what we have come to dislike about ourselves. This means that our desire for change often carries pretty heavy judgments about qualities or habits we deem less than ideal.
While desiring growth makes the world go around, the judgments that fuel that desire can prove tricky.
At the core of our judgments is a difficulty coming to terms with the fact that we are deeply human. While our human bodies have the capacity to manifest our highest aspirations, they do not lead us there automatically or effortlessly. And so we fall short, often. That, in and of itself, is not so much a problem (it’s just part of being human); what becomes a problem is what we do with that realization.
On the one hand, looking honestly at our humanity and imperfections is not an easy proposition; on the other hand, no change is possible without that. Therein lies the problem.
To be sure, our difficulty in looking at ourselves honestly is not due to human nature being intrinsically evil or flawed, which would imply that we simply don’t want to or can’t change. Looking honestly at our humanity and imperfections is difficult because while we thrive through love (hardly a sign of an evil nature…), we are profoundly vulnerable beings (both physically and emotionally) and therefore fiercely protective of ourselves. When we feel scared and in need of protection, physiologically our capacity to learn shuts down. It’s a simple equation from there:
no learning = no growth
Having opinions and preferences is what inspires us to take positive steps in our lives. However, the heavier the judgment (read: shame, anger, hatred, repulsion) these opinions and preferences carry, the more likely they are to trigger our flight/fight/freeze reactions. The more these reactions are present, the more arduous the process of learning and changing becomes.
When we feel threatened by our own judgments, we tend to “flight” by denying our imperfections, “fight” by berating ourselves or lashing out, or “freeze” in paralyzing shame. We can only change what we honestly assess and engage with, and our bodies won’t let us fully come in contact with what feels too painful or dangerous to recognize.
Not only all of these strategies (i.e., denying, berating/lashing out, and shaming) prevent us from growing, they also impair our empathy, compassion, and solidarity for others. “Fighting” by berating ourselves leads us to pity others (i.e., when we accept in others what we find unacceptable in ourselves, in essence we say that something is “not good enough for me” but is “good enough for you”); “fighting” by lashing out may make us less kind by overwhelming our ability to empathize and emotion regulate; and “freezing” keeps us disconnected from others altogether and completely focused inward. However, “flighting” by denying our imperfections is particularly dangerous.
When we devalue our imperfections (read: our humanity) to the point of denying the qualities and habits that make us stray from our values, we foster a specific type of delusion. At both the individual and structural levels, we become invested in thinking that we are “better than”, and consequently view others as “less than”.
This is the fatal link between lack of self-compassion and lack of compassion for others. Denial of imperfections cannot but foster a sense of superiority and a self-righteous entitlement over, or repulsion towards, the “less than”. A very dangerous proposition indeed.
Paradoxically, then, the best opportunities for growth emerge from the least judgmental engagement with our imperfections. Since lack of empathy makes transformation nearly impossible, to become our best selves we must first accept deeply who we are.
Improving oneself starts with loving oneself fully.
Blaming and shaming is a dead end (at least as long as we have a human body designed to protect us). Taking full, compassionate responsibility for our humanity opens the door to immense growth. At both the individual and systemic levels, it is the full acceptance of our imperfections that opens us up to the vision and skills needed to grow and change.
So befriend your imperfections and create the life you want, inside and outside!